My issue isn't not being able to get rid of the baby weight. My issue isn't yo-yo dieting. My issue is loving and accepting my body for where it is, and finding a healthy way to maintain it.
I am not really sure what triggered my obsessive behavior with my body image. But somewhere in about seventh grade I became aware of my body. I started paying attention to how tall I was, how much I weighed, the shape of my head, the size of my nose, did I have any pimples, did I look like the girls in a magazine?
Also at this time I was already 5'6", the same height I am today. I was taller than most of my friends and I felt awkward in my body. Men started to look at me, but I didn't understand why and it made me embarrassed.I started to view myself differently. Instead of just taking in inventory I began to judge and criticize my body watching it change and feeling unsure of where that would lead to.
This is when I began my warped sense of thinking that I needed to workout in order to eat. Deep down I believe all along I knew this wasn't true but as my body changed and puberty set in I had made up my mind. I was on a mission. My life goal would be to not get fat. EVER! And controlling what I ate and how much I worked out would be the way to get there.
Now in reality my theory wasn't wrong. Eat well, exercise and live and active lifestyle and you will maintain your weight and your health. But that isn't how I was doing it. I was going to an extreme. I was trying to get away with skipping meals and eating junk food while working out super hard at least 2 times a day and expecting the results as if I were doing that and eating healthy. I wasn't eating to fuel my body. I was eating to fuel my emotions. I wasn't working out to reach fitness goals. I was simply working out to burn off my junk food binge from the night before and essentially to fuel my emotions.
I was on an emotional roller coaster. And this went on for years and years. When I got pregnant with my first born I was now faced with the changes my body would go through. I would have no choice but to put on weight. I didn't know if I could loose weight. I was scared to death about what pregnancy would do to my body and how that would effect my emotions.
My son in so many ways has changed me...and being pregnant with him was just the first thing he did for me. He was a blessing from the beginning no morning sickness, I felt energized and was able to work up to the day I gave birth. I constantly walked, played tennis, jogged and stayed active while pregnant with him. I began to learn to enjoy my growing body. I started to learn how to cook. I thought I was doing pretty well. Yet by the end of my pregnancy I had put on 60 lbs! I weighed 196 at my last doctors visit before his birth and looking back I can see that I still ate too much junk.
So after my son was born I was now on my first weight loss journey. I gave myself 18 months to get back to where I wanted to be. That ended up being a realistic goal. I was able to loose the weight within that time frame. I got about 2-3 pounds within my goal weight and then mentally something started to shift. My thinking reverted back and I was worrying again about how I would maintain this weight. I was picking myself apart for cellulite on the back of my thighs and the skin on my stomach not looking quite the same.
Now I had to get used to my post baby body...Nothing was where it had been before! You ladies who have had babies you know what I mean! It is hard to adjust to. And I Decided to do it the hard way. I beat myself up.
As time passed I started working out 2-3 times a day and never eating before I worked out. I was pushing myself so hard. I was teaching fitness classes and training clients on top of own workouts. I was constantly pushing myself yet I was never satisfied and actually started to put on a little weight. I was so frustrated and tired. I had put so much pressure on myself about how I looked and my fitness, but could never reach my "goals". Yet in reality my nutrition was so awful, I wasn't doing what I really needed to do. My warped thinking had finally caught up to me and had the reverse effect on me. Not only had it caught up to me physically but for years I had trouble accepting my body for what it was and how it looked and accepting me for me. I was drained.
then I discovered I was pregnant with daughter. This pregnancy was nothing like the last one. I was constantly having morning, noon and night sickness. I was so tired. I couldn't keep up. I quit my job at the gym and had to stop for a moment and re-evaluate some things. I uncovered what had been hiding there for all these years:I was on a vain chase for health and in fact wasn't healthy at all. This pregnancy I need to be more aware of what I put in my body and how I handled things. My daughter has totally come in my life and changed my perspective on things. Because now I have this other woman in my life...who I am molding from day 1. I will be her first role model. The one she learns from in the early years.
I began to wonder how my warped thinking would affect her. I knew I had to change. I knew I had to take a step back from fitness and find another reason to do it. A real reason to be in the field. I couldn't keep living for this vain, superficial thought I had in my head.
God is good and has really worked on me through Mia. Being pregnant with her I had to slow down and take naps. For the first time in years I stopped running! And when I was able to finally start thinking of doing anything physical I had to start with walking. I was so out of shape. But it was one of the best things for me. So I had to start over essentially and this time with limits as I was pregnant. So I stuck with walking and before you knew it was jogging a little. I only worked out for 30-45 mins tops and maintained this the whole pregnancy I ate A LOT better . No fast food or frozen Totino's pizza, I only gained 35 lbs!
This weight loss journey has been a lot different. I have become aware of my thinking and have decided to do something about it. I know essentially change starts with the mind for any goal we wish to reach. So I am a work in progress. I am learning how to not eat what I "feel" like, but instead eat what I know is good for me and on my meal plan.
I am starting to appreciate my body for what it is and I this whole time I stick with 30 - 45 mins workouts a day and once in a while doubles, but its a cycle and I am in control. With help from my Beach Body Team I feel like I am finally gaining control of my health. And true health, not superficial on the top, skinny-fat healthy. But real health, muscles and a strong core. Lungs that can run for days. Starting a program and actually finishing it! ( I am about to finish 60 days of Piyo at the end of Jan!). It feels soo good to set goals and actually achieve them!
I am a work in progress, but I know God is steering the boat and it is going in a good direction. I now know that I eat to fuel my body. And when eating a clean diet it takes the worry and stress away from having to count calories! Also I now know that I don't need to exercise for hours on end. I just need to work hard for the time I am working! It feels so good to be free from that warped thinking!
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